January 1, 2013

New Year.  Christmas was amazing.  I had 2 Christmas miracles.  Ken stopped drinking and Dan started going to church.  It just doesn't get any better than that.  If I never have another Christmas, this one was the last one I would have wanted.  Perfectly timed by the Lord.  Our prayers may seem to go into the wind and disappear, but God hears every one.  

Spiritually, I am the strongest I have ever been, and I hope every day of the rest of my life I can say just that.  I am spiritually stronger than ever.  Nothing else matters in my life but my service to the Lord and his people.  Little miracles happen all around me.  They always have, but I was too busy looking for what I wanted in life to notice.  Not any more!  

This year, I will stay in tune with my God and no matter how small I must become, I will live for God in my entirety.  Life is so calm, serene and beautiful.  All I need is love.  God is love.  All I need is God.

puffnstuff

1.  Rejected by daughter forever.
2.  Former husband arrested for sex abuse.
2.  Son separated.
3.  Son nearly dies.
4.  Son separated.
5.  Son has heart attack.

My best friend has suffered these life-changing events all within about 1 year.  One of them would be traumatic, but 5 of them are beyond enduring, except for the grace of God.

God's strength is enough. 

You can't make this stuff up!

A friend of mine said "You can't make this stuff up!" regarding his life challenges.  His daughter developed a serious  health condition and thankfully is out of the woods for that, but then suddenly she came down with a totally different kind of health issue which once again put her in critical condition.  His brother has refused to talk to him and has totally cut him out of his life.  Two of his children have separated from their spouses in recent months with very harsh feelings between them, though I guess when separation is involved, it's seldom amicable.  Just one thing after another for this dear friend. I told him that he needs to "keep both eyes on Jesus."  That way he will not get lost in this mess called life.  A priest friend told me that we need to carry our crosses, like Jesus taught.  He also said we need to pick up our own crosses, and "do not ask for a different cross" though that sure looks tempting sometimes when our burdens seem too heavy.  So like my mom said when prayers do not seem to be heard, "keep on prayin'."  Thanks mom.

Disneyland Trip at 63

I suppose going to Disneyland at 63 is like going to live in an old folks home at 16.  Isn't done much.  However, when you have kids, and you like them, you want to spend time with them, no matter what!  So, now I sit here with sore knees from 3 days of walking, swollen ankles caused by too much cheese popcorn, and a decision to go on another diet.  THIS TIME I MEAN IT!

You know how God talks to us through music?  He talked to us through the stars last night in the car on the way home.  At about 10 p.m., just as we were about at the Oregon border, we looked up to see the Big Dipper.  It was clearly visible through the windshield high in the sky.  It led us home.  Then, just as I was being amazed at that sight, the song "Homeward Bound" by Simon and Garfunkel came on the radio.  Thank you God for being with me, even when I don't recognize it. 

It was awesome watching Ken enjoy himself in Disneyland.  Seven years ago, I was blessed by this with Dan.  It is amazing to see them get lost in the magic that Walt created.  To watch your children have joy in an often hostile world in itself is magical.

Jesus loves His children so much.  We are His children!  Thank you Lord for letting us all go back again to being your kids here on earth at Disneyland.

quiet apartment

We all know God is in charge of our lives, and if we truly want to follow Him, He won't allow us to stray.  So, I am happy at last to not question my placement in my life, but see what's around me and what good I can do.  I am now in a tiny apartment and without my Rose, it gets boring.  I can't say lonely, because I am enjoying myself and being with me finally, but what to do?  So, I listen to what God's message is, and slow down.  "Be still and know that I am God."  God knows how hyper I have always been. Mom said "You would try the patience of a saint."  Sometimes criticisms are true!  I am learning to slow myself down, enjoy the quiet, follow God's path and wait upon the Lord.

My flower garden

I was talking to God this morning, thinking about my life, my sorrows, my regrets.  Then this came to me.  It makes as much sense to mourn the old rusty tools I used for creating my garden as it does to mourn my past.   I used those rusty old tools to break up my hardness of heart, to weed out my sins, and prepare good healthy rich soil for God to plant his beautiful flowers.  I can still miss those old rusty garden tools, and they are still over there in the shed, any time I want to visit them.  But they have done their job.  Sometimes, if the weeds come back, and getting out the old garden tools will help make God's flower garden more beautiful still, I can go back and fix it up.  God's garden is all I am interested in. 

Mary My Mother

I had been looking at a picture of Our Lady.  She was sitting, and looking out an open door.  I thought perhaps it was depicting the Annunciation.  It was such a peaceful scene.  Then in my mind's eye, I saw myself sitting with her, and her comforting me.  She had turned to me and had put her arm around my shoulder in a caring concerning way.  She is a great mom to me, just as she was a great mom to Jesus my brother.

Snapshots of Joy

Someone said that it is important to sing our song, or it will be left unsung.  So my song today is  about pictures that caught those unexplainably elated moments in my life.  I have held these all deep in my heart so today I will sing them.

 

One picture is of me and my two boys.  We had just adopted Dan, he was 5 and Ken was 7.  I was in heaven, I had added to my family.  My Ken was such a precious little boy, I wanted several children, and I knew Ken did too, so this picture my husband took of us shows a mother's deep love for her boys and the sense of completeness.   

I have a picture where I was coming out of Jesus' tomb in Jerusalem.  I had never had my soul cry out, and in the tomb that day my soul shouted "Jesus, Jesus."   A man in our pilgrimage group snapped my picture as I was exiting.  I didn't even remember him taking it, but the peace and serenity shows on my face. I had to sit for a while on a nearby bench to assimilate that awesome experience.   

Another snapshot is when I am holding my baby girl in my arms.  We had waited for her for two long years. This shows me sitting on our motel bed and I am holding Melissa up to my face and we are cheek to cheek looking at the camera.  She was just four weeks old, and my feeling of contentment is obvious.  Being a mom, though sometimes painful, is my greatest joy.  

I have another picture from my wedding when I have just turned to go down the aisle.  My face is smooth and serene.  Such peace and joy.

I hope to make many more photos that show the snapshots of peace, love and joy in my life.

Hermits

I never understood how anyone could be a hermit.  Didn't God create us to live in community?  Why else would he have allowed moms to have more than one child, and why else would it be necessary that there be two people to create.  Lately the lifestyle of a hermit seems awesome.  Total devotion to our Lord.  No outside distractors.  No misunderstandings.  No sinning against another.  Today with the internet and only seeing the words, we don't get to hear the sounds of the words, or see the meaning in the faces of those speaking.  The jokes that we feel are funny, when written are often interpreted as cruel or ungodly.  A long time ago I began praying that any time I felt the need to fix someone else, I would look within and fix myself.  So, when I am tempted to say something to fix someone now I stop and say to myself, what in me needs fixing.  It is a sad thing though when divisions happen because no amount of writing can clarify and often times sin of anger and resentment enter in.  The best way I see is for people to sit and talk one on one, but first there needs to be a deep love and deep respect between the two parties.  Being a hermit would avoid all the drama, but it seems to me, it would be lonely and only for a chosen few.  God has his reasons for putting us all together.  One priest said it is like we are all rough stones in a box, and as we are jostled about, we refine and shine each other into precious gems.  A misunderstanding certainly can refine and make gems of us all if we allow each other the respect and love.

Breaking down the barrier

This morning when I was talking to God before I got out of bed, I was telling Him I need to trust Him completely.  All of a sudden I felt a barrier break down in my  heart.  Then I saw a river flowing freely in my mind and I thought "Someone is praying for me."  To be fully one with God means letting the river flow without a barrier of any kind.  I see no dam in sight.  The freedom to fully trust God in all things is very peaceful to me.  It is much like falling and knowing there is someone behind with very strong arms to catch the fall.  Only the fall is not an accidental fall, it is a purposeful fall into grace and strong arms of the Father.  A certainty of things known in the mind.  It is now in my heart.  I love you Father for your love and strength in my life.

The Persecuted

I have been thinking lately of people who suffer because they are idiots.  They hide behind their persecution as being martyrs, when in truth they are persecuted because they are cruel, careless, and far away from Godly.  I want any sufferings I may endure because I am acting in a Godly way. I want to be shunned and persecuted because of the Truth.    There is a peace within my heart and soul when I am in line with my creator.  When that happens, any harsh words or actions don't even phase me.  So, my prayer will always be this:  "Lord may all of my actions reflect perfectly your ways."  In this, then, I will always be confident that I am hated for the Truth, not because I am using it as a shield for my idiocity.

Mary's mind

Since visiting Nazareth and where Mary grew up, I have felt a lot closer to Our Lady, the Blessed Mother. She totally gave herself to her Lord when she said yes to the Father's call.  She bore our Savior, but not without tremendous cost.  She could have been stoned in those days for being pregnant without being married.  Even her fiance deserted her, and "rightly" so.  He was so hurt and wounded by her pregnancy that he knew was not of him.  But he obeyed as Mary did, and listened and obeyed God's messenger.  I have completely abandoned my will for God's will.  I want what Mary wanted-- complete unquestionable trust.  So, Lord, whatever you will have me do to be obedient, I ask you for that gift.  Thank you Jesus for all the people you put in my life who are your messengers.

Change in prayer

As I have grown in my spiritual life through study of scripture and prayer, the Lord has given me a new insight recently.  I have been impatient and hurt by God because, although scripture says God will give us our heart's  desire, it is not happening for me. 

Since I know that God cannot love me more, and that He doesn't need to prove anything to me, then I must be the one who needs to prove my love for Him.  So lately I have been asking Him to open my heart.  It's not Him I should have issues with when I don't get my heart's desire, it's me.  I need to change.  So recently, I have been asking Him to open my hardened heart to be submissive to His will. 

He wants my  heart to belong only to Him and for it to be a natural heart, not a stony heart.

I ask you Lord to take away my hardened heart and give me a natural heart.  I know only then that my joy will be full.  I know then my joy will have no end.  I will know by this joy that I have arrived at the place in my spiritual journey where my Father will say "Well done good and faithful servant."  In His will is my peace.

When you are knocked down, BOUNCE!

Life is really shocking sometimes.  Just when you feel so safe and secure, bammo!  The real test is to see how long it takes to get back up, because you know you will eventually have to get on with life.  As Mother Theresa said "It's more important to be faithful than it is to be successful."  So, when my life gets flipped upside down, I need to remember that I will get back up because I have Jesus and He makes me strong enough.  I would like the time between the being knocked down and the getting up to be a lot closer together.  I think that when I reach the point when I bounce, I will have arrived.  When I can get  hit with any and everything life has to offer that seems horrific, and just bounce right back, spending no time at all on the ground-- then, then I will have arrived at the point God had planned for me all along.  His plan is for me to bounce!

A Few Life Tips for My Kids

1.  When you are at the lowest point and everyone has left, and you feel you have no worth at all, pick up a crucifix, look at Jesus' face and his suffering body and remember this "That is how much you are worth."
2.  When you have worked really hard at putting a life's plan to work, and it all comes tumbling down, just know that this too is in God's will. 
3.  When you are in prayer constantly, and you are looking forward to the end result, and then suddenly it doesn't happen at all, just remember that some place along the journey God wanted you to learn something or teach someone, and that your joy is in His plan, not yours.

The Only True Love

I was lying in bed this morning talking to God and thinking about the loves in my  life.  My desire to be loved is so huge.  I can analyze this but may or may not be correct.  You cannot make anyone love you.  You can only love God and yourself and others.  That part you CAN control, and no one can interfere.  It's interesting that that is the only commandment Jesus gave us, to love God and love our neighbors as ourselves.  It is so draining, and so tiring and so sad and lonely to desire to be loved for so many years, and find that yearning in vane.  So the weight of the longing can easily be dispelled by turning to God, self and others to love in a perfect love.  To love without any longing for love returned is the perfect love.  This is called unconditional love.

Morning angst

I don't ever remember feeling happy to wake up and face the day.  All I think about when I wake up is "What do I have to do today."  Wouldn't it be great if I could wake up thanking God for another chance, if I could look at my day as a day that might yield my most awesome dreams come true, a glorious day in the day of the saints.  Now that would be a day to celebrate.  So, I will try to wake up in anticipation for an awesome day full of unbelievable happiness, fulfilled dreams, unexpected surprises of great proportions.  How happy I will be then!

Trusting Him

I wonder why it is so hard to trust God with my  life when He has proved over and over again how He will take care of me?  I was lying in bed this morning and looking at my curtains.  When I moved into this old house, I needed curtains, so I went to Walmart, and there were sets and sets of table cloths on sale, perfect for curtains.   Since this is an old old house, I bought several lace ones for the living room and dining room, and for my bedroom I found the perfect color of green to match my bed spread, for my office, I bought sheets.  For my kitchen, I wanted gingham, so got different colors of fabric, also on sale, for each window.  Everything probably came to under $20.  Now if I went today to look for them, there would be none because the timing isn't there. God knew the timing.  He had the perfect color, style, price for me back then in 2009.  So why do I doubt?  I think it's the same sin Adam and Eve suffered with-- wanting to be in control, do it my way, figure out my life on my terms.  So what is the lesson here?  I need to sit back in the easy chair God has provided, and let Him lead me.  His way is easy.  Why am I so stubborn?  Thank you Lord for never giving up on me.

No set time in God's plan

Since Jesus took his walk to the cross one step at a time, and His Father did not feel a need to time Him, so too I must get into the mind set of not looking to see how long a difficult situation will last.  Like St. Monica and her prayers for her son Augustine-- she prayed for 15 years that her son would return to the Lord, and when he did, he became one of the greatest saints of all time.  So, St. Monica, pray for me that I will finally stop looking at the length of time it takes for the difficulties in life to resolve.  I will only look to the Lord for comfort and peace, and let Him lead me to the best resolution possible.  "In His will is my peace."

Pain on the road

At mass today I was thinking how painful life is some times for friends and family and me.  So I was thinking about Jesus' walk to the cross.  His way to the cross took as long as it took.  He just took one step at a time.  So, in my pain and suffering with others that I love, I will remember that it will take as long as it takes and the way is one step at a time.